I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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