Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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