Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
