Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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