i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
