you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
