Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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