you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
