Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
