So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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