One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
