We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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