1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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