The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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