nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
