walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
