chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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