Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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