she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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