i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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