his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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