I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
So many bounce houses so little time
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
