At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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