Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
