I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
