the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
