You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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