I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
