It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
