you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
