apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
