Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
