you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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