Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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