the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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