I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
