Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
