Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
