peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
