1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
