How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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