shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
