Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We talked him into tasing himself.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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