go do what you do best...puke behind churches
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
