I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
