My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
