hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
