wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm passing your future prison.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
