if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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