Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
