i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
