Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
