I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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