my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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